Leaving the past in the past....A new thing is beginning....

It’s been a while since my last blog….The last few months have certainly brought about a lot of change!

This blog started off documenting my weight loss journey and things in my life have certainly shifted.  Do I still have my goals – yes!  Unfortunately, I’ve had some major limitations still with my back but I’ve been seeing another new chiropractor the last few weeks and I’m finally seeing some more progress.  July and August were tough months – my ribs kept popping out of place making it painful to do anything including breathe – hence another new chiropractor.  Her instructions to me were to stop working out – and I’ve had to force myself to listen. 

Typically, this would pretty much devastate me however its caused me to dig into some places in my heart I haven’t gone before.  I’ve come to some pretty big conclusions as a result.  My priority right now is making sure my heart is healthy (it’s physically healthy, I mean emotionally) and getting to the place where I am pain free. 

Through some recent events the last few weeks I have also discovered that I’m actually alright.  I am fun, outgoing, passionate, energetic, hard working and beautiful and  I really need to stop being so hung up on my weight cause it appears that no one else seems to be hung up on it.  I’ve tried to work on improving my self image pretty much all my life but this month has been pretty big in improving my self image.  People aren’t going to love me anymore than they do when I’m ‘skinny’.  I’ve been obsessing over it without actually realizing it – pretty much my entire life. 

I keep thinking that others will love me more when I like the way I look.  Big problem with that – I need to love me for me – for who God created me to be.  Does that mean I stop being healthy – heck no!  I will focus on getting my body in good working order (pain free, and my insides – both emotionally and chemically – I’ve started seeing a naturopath to help with that) and I will make wise choices – eat healthy and balanced and stay as active as my body will allow.  I will follow the direction of my chiropractor – she’s actually pretty confident she can get me pain free which is the first time a professional has told me that. She will work on getting me pain free and then rebuilding/re-strengthening my body.  This entire discovery has taken a huge weight off my shoulders and I don’t feel quite as intense about things in general.

Something else that has taken a huge weight off my shoulders is the fact that my divorce is official official – like for real.  I received my final papers at the beginning of August and last weekend my 31 days hit which means that my divorce is final.  I am free!  This came a lot sooner than expected – from the date that divorce was filed to the date it was completely finalized was less than 5 months – that’s like unheard of.  It’s brought forth a lot of emotion – obviously but I’m thankful it’s done.  I’m in a better place for sure.  I still have some work ahead of me…I don’t’ know what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship.  I’ve only known something that is unhealthy, abusive, controlling with absolutely no trust or no reason to trust. 

So what does the future hold for this girl….Well I have no idea frankly but here is what I do know.  My heavenly father has watched over me and has kept me safe through all this.  He has been faithful and has redeemed me and situations in my life beyond anything I ever expected.  He has brought people in my life to be there for me, encourage me along the way, help me pick up the pieces and start over, people to speak into my life and mentor me and he’s brought people in my life to help remind me how to have fun and be who He created me to be – I lost the real me for almost 5 years but I’m back and I think I’m actually an improved model of the old me – think of the new iPhone lol. 

A few weeks ago I felt really stuck.  I’ve just been in survival mode really and waiting for things to be finalized so I could close off everything on that chapter of my life.  I talked to my wonderful mom about how I was feeling and she had me to a really great exercise.  She told me to write out my dreams, hopes and Desires.  I hadn’t really thought of any of that in a long time because I was just trying to work through so much and get through what I was going through.  Now it’s time to dream big and start reaching for those dreams.  One of those dreams is to be a wedding/event planner and a few weeks ago I did a wedding and I’m doing my first paid wedding in June and trying to figure out how I can do some more events on the side.  It’s pretty exciting.  I have a few more things I want to do and I’ll slowly work towards those things.

I am hopeful, I am happy, I am free, and I am beautiful just the way that I am.  I’m excited to see what my future holds and see where my journey takes me.  I am going to stop holding onto my past and letting it determine my future.  It’s time to move forward with all life has for me. 

The next month or so I have so much enjoying of life to do – My divorce party (this wasn’t my idea but I might as well celebrate my freedom and new lease on life), baseball tournament, Cuba with my bestie, Wine tour with my girls for our 30^th birthday…this is not a life of someone who wallows in their pain – this is the life of someone who has so much joy, reason for living and someone who has peace. 

I hope that one day I will be able to share with young girls my journey and help them work through some of the issues I’ve had to work through (and am still working through).  There has been so much pain as a result of a lot of my own choices and the choices that others have made that have affected me and if I can use that pain and the joy that has come out of the sorrow to help some others get through things sooner than I did so they can live life to the fullest.

A special thanks to all those in my life who have been there by my side through everything and who are still there.  I am beyond grateful for all the support, love and care I’ve had.  God has truly blessed me beyond words!

That’s it for now…stay tuned for what the future holds

I’ve included some pictures of some of the fun I’ve had the last few months

No turning back...No turning back...

Tonight I sit here in my room, in my new place (in the city) and I should feel really down and part of me is…but at the same time, I’m holding on for dear life.  I cried a lot of tears today – tears of pain and frustration.  Today I had 2 of my ribs pop out of place for the second time in 5 days making it hard and painful to even breathe.

It’s been over 2 ½ years that I’ve been in this battle with my back, neck, shoulders and collarbone – in pain everyday.  All the while I’ve been working at trying to get my weight down and going through a lot of emotional stress with my divorce. 

The last 9 months I’ve been at a plateau which has been quite frustrating to say the least.  So, when I moved to the city 6 weeks ago I decided I needed to do something to change things up.  I took the time to get settled in and continue seeing a new chiropractor (my 9^th one) and finally started to get some relief.   I started to de-stress, went from having a 4 hour daily commute to just over an hour (35-40 minute bike ride each way to work) and started considering what else I needed to do to get this weight off for good.

I went gung-ho!  I started biking 100km/week and started doing body pump 2-3 times a week only to put my back out in the second week.  So I had to take a couple weeks off.  Once that resolved itself (after a lot of tears) I went and met with my cousin who put me through a fit test and suggested I try doing a 4 day split weight training program and reduce my portions some more (I had let things creep up a bit).  She also suggested visiting her naturopath to make sure I’m doing what’s right for my body. 

So, that brought me to last week…I was feeling great!  So I started my new weight training program – I was super sore but it felt good.  I went easy – not super heavy weights and slow so that my form was good.  I also went to visit the naturopath for my first assessment visit where I just spilled everything I was doing, things that were going on with my body and expressed my goals – get pain free, have my body deal with stress better and loose my last 90-100 lbs.  So that was Monday.  Thursday I go visit my chiropractor and was up all that night.  I was in agony!  I ended up going for an emergency appointment only to find out I put a rib out of place which is why it hurt to breathe.  I spent the weekend relaxing with my sister and nephew to try and calm things down.  Monday rolls around and I’m in pain again, so I drive to work instead of riding.  I also had my naturopath follow up only to find out there were some significant things going on in my body that I wasn’t aware of…super low iron (almost anemic levels), low on b12, thyroid issues, etc.  She is confident with some natural tools we can fix these things and work on the pain as well. 

So last night I was feeling pretty encouraged that things were about to change.  Then I woke up today and so much pain again – it hurt to breathe and all.  I got out of bed and just laid on the floor and cried and again had to drive into work today.  I made another emergency chiro appointment only to find out I put 2 ribs out again….and I’m not allowed to bike or go to the gym the rest of the week.

So tonight I come home and I just get in bed and watch tv – I have no energy.  Fighting all the temptations of just having bad food cause I’m so sad, mad and frustrated.  Tonight I have overcome!  I enjoyed some Greek yogurt and eggs.  Probably could have eaten more but I’m actually not very hungry because I’m so nauseous from the pain. 

But today is just one day.  I have to learn to accept me for me and continue on making progress.  I keep putting the pressure on myself to just loose all 90 lbs now but if I don’t love myself at every step, I’m never going to love myself when I finally get to my goal.

So, tonight, I surrender to my body.  I surrender to the process and I hold on for dear life knowing that things will get better.  I know God has a plan and He’s working things out for good for me.  His word tells me so and He hasn’t let me down yet. 

I took a couple tiny steps tonight to take pictures of where I’m at right now and I blog to get my feelings out and center myself some more.  I didn’t eat my feelings.  I relaxed (which I’m typically not good at).

The last couple years have been hard but they are coming around.  All the crap that’s left in there seems to be surfacing but I can only hope that’s just so things can start soaring and not hold me down.  My divorce is almost finalized.  I am almost free.  I am in a good place and I need to stay that way. 

No turning back, no turning back…

I Refuse to Give Up on Myself

It's been just over a month since my last blog and a lot has happened....I never knew that #1 I could handle so much change, #2 would enjoy the change, #3 be up for more of it and #4 not knowing what to expect but totally being ok with it.

Well what has happened....

- I found a new apartment in the city (less than 10km from my work).  It has everything I was looking for - all inclusive price including utilities, cable, internet and laundry.  Its by the highway but close to work.  I'll be attempting to bike to work - that will be interesting but will be good for my weight loss goals considering its 20km a day and I"ll be going to the gym on the way to work...scored a wicked deal for Goodlife. 

- My ex-husband actually filed for divorce and I was served 2 weeks after he filed.  This is kind of a big thing...typically the first part takes 2 months and this took 2 weeks....so it should move along quickly.  How the whole situation went down really made me realize it really is time to move on - even though I was his wife and he asked me how old I was while he was filling out the forms - he put my wrong age (2 years younger than I actually am) and my wrong birth year - just goes to show he didn't really pay attention to details about me but I don't say that because I"m bitter...I say that because it makes me want to move on and be with someone who cares about even the small things.  He also had his mother serve me divorce papers rather than paying someone to do it.  Which really wasn't fair because I had to see both his parents and it just went to show that he's still getting his mom to do everything for him.  Again - not bitter, just really made it easier to receive my divorce papers and not cry and move on.  

- We put the house up for sale and 2 weeks later sold the house - closing date is July 4th

- Helped an amazing charity that I support put on a gala at the beginning of the month.  It was a great success and I'm so blessed to have met some amazing people through all the prep. 

- I've met a lot of amazing people in the last couple months.  I'm just amazed at the people that God has brought into my life.  I've been blessed by so many of them!!!

- I started seeing yet another chiropractor - I think this one was the 8 or 9th I've tried since my car accident...I've had 2 sessions and the feeling of hot knives constantly stabbing me in my shoulder blades seems to have gone away and I can breathe.  So I"m optimistic.  During the assessment she checked out my thyroid and thinks something might be wrong so I'll have to get that checked out.  But I'm hopeful that this chiropractor will help and one day I will not live in pain every single day.

The one thing that I'm not so proud of in the next month is that I've sort of let go of my weight loss determination and not that this is an excuse or anything....but my back, neck and shoulders have been pretty bad the last 2 months and I'm finally starting to feel a little better....soooo no more lack of working out and no more of not sticking to a proper healthy diet.  

I feel pretty crappy when I"m not eating clean so that's a good reason alone to get back at things.  I will work on my diet this week  and next and working up my bike riding to get ready for my new commute that starts in less than 2 weeks.  I will not give up, I will keep going even though there have been some pretty large set backs.  

Once my move happens, things will get a little easier in terms of my workouts....I'll be biking 20km/day and in the gym 5-6 days a week because I will have time and I will not have a 4 hour commute everyday....My life is about to get very, very different and I'm super stoked!!!!

I've also spent a lot of time this month reading and journaling...maybe one day I'll write a book lol.  One of the things I've spent a lot of time studying is how our names hold such meaning.  In the Bible peoples' names were very significant and they 'grew into' their names.  It certainly got me thinking....my married name was Greaves...no wonder I spent 5 years 'greaving'....my says of grieving are over.  That is no longer my name.  I really felt like I should start reading some more on what my name means...Sarah...well it means princess.  As a little girl I loved that my name meant princess but with my ex he made me feel like it was a bad trait to have or bad persona to carry.  But, I am a princess, I'm a daughter of the King of Kings.  And thats great!  But I started to take it a little further...how are princesses supposed to be treated - I wasn't treated very well by my ex and was put down a lot and it was really abusive.  But also, I didn't treat myself very good.  And I don't want to do that anymore.  It's time to care for me.  Not only so that I'm confident but also so that I'm able to give back to others. 

I also started reading about Sarah in the Bible.  God had promised her a child even though she was barren.  She ended up trying to take that promise into her own hands and gave her maidservant to her husband to have a child.  But that is not what God meant for her.  He has promised to give her a child.  I did what Sarah did and her husband Abraham had a child with her maidservant - Ishmael ...I tried to take things- about being with a man- into my own hands and it turned out horrible and caused immense pain, sorrow and sadness.  But, like Sarah in the Bible, I've given all of me back to God.  I will trust him to work things out for me and I know that I can trust him to work everything out and fulfill his promises in my life and for him to restore the 5 years that I lost.  God has been restoring things that I would have never imagined and despite even being served divorce papers, I haven't cried.  I know that my father in heaven has got this and He's got me in the palm of his hands.  

I know this post isn't over exciting but a lot has happened and despite how hard this month could have been, it wasn't and I'm still standing and I'm ready to keep going.  Truthfully, I feel better on the inside than I have in my entire life.  I'm free, I'm strong, I've got so many blessings in my life and I'm working through all the 'stuff' I need to work through.  I'm not sweeping any of it under the rug...I'm not leaving any stone un-turned.  Now it's time to tackle the outward portion me some more.  It's all about balance, getting back up when you get knocked down, dusting yourself off and keep on keeping on.  

And even though I may have gained 5 lbs or so...I'm still beautiful inside and out and that is the first time that I have ever been able to say that in my entire life!  I'm content and I'm at peace and I love me! Again, I don't say any of this because I have a big head - if you know me...you know I'm not like that.   I have never been able to say that I am beautiful and that I love myself until the last couple months.  I'm proud of me.

Remember to never give up on yourself.  Remember that the darkness will not always remain - things will get better - the sun will come out tomorrow.  Keep your head held high and take one step at a time.  

Peace out all!

Sarah 

Isaiah 42

Here are a couple pictures from the past few weeks

A friend did this for me...I loved it so I thought I'd share :)  Fast & Furious 6 comes out this week! 

 New Glasses....different look for sure!

 Me and my fav little guy!  It's going to be hard not to live with him anymore...I move out the day before he turns 3 :(  Auntie Sarah is going to miss you little guy xoxo

Brianna and I with Cinderella at the WINGS Gala on May 11th 

Zucchini lasagna - replaced noodles with Zucchini - so yummy!

 Me and Brianna again 

 Kat and I at a friend's Basketball party - enjoying being back to me!

Mom and I on our way to Buffalo this past weekend - had a great time together 

Not just a new chapter in my book...It's a whole new book!

(For those who don't know my tat's...yes those are my feet)

To most, today is just another day.  For me however, Today is pretty much epic - for a few reasons.

Tonight I quickly reflect on the last 5 years and tonight...I leave them in the past.  I leave all the pain, hurt, devastation, abuse, neglect, and anything that is not positive – heck I even leave all the stuff beyond those 5 years.  And tonight...I not only walk forward but run as fast as I can into the future my God has promised me.  As Jeremiah 29:11 says,

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

He's also promised me a new beginning in Isaiah 43:19

“Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.”

Why has this new beginning all of a sudden come…well my husband let me know that he filed for divorce yesterday.  Our relationship was a tough one.  There was a lot of pain and a lot of hurt.  I loved him a lot but to be honest, I’m not sure he loved me – that’s something he even told me during our separation.  But, you know what, I know I loved with all that I could, I did everything I could to try and save our marriage and make him happy -  including working on all my stuff that wasn’t so pleasant.  Do I regret having the hope and faith I had for reconciliation – NO.  Because I know that I won’t have any regrets for trying my best and hardest, I would have regrets if I didn’t try my best though. 

It’s actually kind of strange but last year on April 6^th – I cooked him the last meal I ever cooked him.  We were separated but I cooked him dinner on his birthday.  It was the next couple days following that day that he stopped talking to me again and I really felt God ask me to start praying for the reconciliation of our marriage.  But, that was really what God me seeking God and re-developing my relationship with Him.  You see, being a Christian isn’t just about religion, or going to church, or following the 10 commandments.  It’s about a relationship with our creator, our Heavenly Father, the one who breathed life into us and set this world in motion. 

Looking back now, I think God knew the only thing that I put before him was my husband.  And maybe the only way God could get my attention was to try and get me praying for my marriage.  Because, if you knew me the first 4 months of our separation, I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do about our marriage.  The man I married and loved so deeply hurt me so badly in so many ways and was unfaithful (at least with his heart).  I was so angry.  I didn’t want anything to do with him and at the same time I couldn’t imagine life without him.  I knew I deserved to be treated better and maybe I didn’t do a great job of being a wife either.  All I knew was things were bad and the only thing to change that – was through prayer.

It is now pretty much exactly a year later (I’m just not 100% sure on the date but it was within a week of April 6^th, 2012) that I got on my knees before God and started to repent for all I had done.  I prayed that God would change me – my usual prayer was that God would change him but I was urged to pray a different prayer in a book by Stormie Omartian called The Power of a Praying Wife.  I ready the book probably 8 times in the last year during our separation.  I spent time praying for him and that he would do well in all that he did, and I prayed that God would change me.

Well, I at least know God answered the prayers about me.  As I have not really seen him in months, I don’t really know what’s gong on with him other than he’s moved on and is with someone else. 

But none of that matters…. I’m not the same person that I was a year and a half ago.  Even as I sit here writing and thinking about what life was like for me a year and a half ago, I’m brought to tears.  I was so broken, angry, passionless, jagged, and dark – I had no light in me.  Today if you were to meet me – you’d see that I’m a totally different person – you actually may not recognize me.  Despite all the pain and difficulties the last year and a half, I’m happy.  I smile all the time.  I have passion back.  I have drive and determination and most importantly, I have peace.  This was not the result of me getting her in my own strength.  No, I had to relinquish all control, all my will and my stubbornness to my Heavenly Father.  And you know what, it’s the most free I have ever felt – which I get, seems so bizarre.

My prayer for him, the one I loved so furiously, is that he does well in life and that he realizes how much our Heavenly Father loves him too and that he wants great things for him.  I hope he finds what he is looking in for life and I pray for his safety.  But, today I need to run into my future and all God has in store for me.

So what did I spend my day doing – the day that marked the first page in Sarah’s new book?  Well, I went to work – to the job I love and am so thankful for and was surrounded by people who encourage me so much even on days that are tough, who make me laugh, who inspire me to do great and who see me as a strong woman – I always thought I was so weak.  I’m learning that was a lie.

I spent time today thinking about what is next for me and asking God to guide me in it all.  We are putting our house up for sale in a few weeks and I’m on the hunt for a new place to live.  I’m looking for something downtown Toronto – close to work and I have a list of things I’m hoping to find in my first place on my own downtown.  I said I’d never live downtown…well I’m learning you should never say never cause….well a lot of my “nevers” are becoming my realities. 

I’m making plans for my future – what do I want?  Where do I want to go?  Who do I want to be?  How can I better myself?  How can I make an impact on those around me for the better?  So many questions and so many possibilities.  These are different questions than I’ve asked in the past and the state of mind I’m asking them is so different too.  I’m not longer a victim.  I’m not longer ruled by my situations – good and bad.  I’m no longer just trying to survive, but rather, I’m thriving and I will continue to thrive!

I’ve sort of taking a few weeks to be more ‘still’ and I’ve sort of slacked off on my workout regimen but still eating good – mostly lol.  And you know what, I’m not beating myself up for it.  Divorce is hard and it’s emotional and it’s like a death and I need to give me some time.  With that said – I will be picking up my weights again next week and getting back at it.  However, this time, during this break – I didn’t’ throw my eating right out the window and I’m not beating myself up for needing to rest and I’m not going backwards.  I’m learning that as long as you are making progress – in whatever you do – it is good.  For so long I’ve had the pressure to be ‘on’ all the time and I end up wearing myself out and hating what I’m doing.  So a break is sometimes necessary and when dealing with a  broken heart…it’s really necessary. 

A lot has happened in the last month actually, even as I try to ‘be still’….and here it is in summary….

• Went on a glorious vacation to Cuba with my mom and had an amazing time and met some amazing people.  I danced all night and slept in the sun all day – probably got the best tan I ever have
• Have reduced my chiropractor visits to every other week – which is great!  I’m not in as much pain as I was and she gave me some natural supplements to help my body deal with stress and pain a little better
• I’ve made some major progress with a group of my clients that have been really challenging to engage
• I’ve been set free from a lot of pain, heartache and things holding me back
• I received significant breakthrough and healing at a retreat I just attended last weekend
• I’m pretty sure I’ve found something that may actually be my calling – something outside of what I do for work right now – more to come on that but it’s one of my “I will never” statements
• God is answering my prayers left right and center – I even prayed for an e-reader for my commute to work cause I couldn’t afford one – I really wanted an iPad but realized I just needed an e-reader…well…someone at work GAVE me one last week!!!  And…it’s purple – my favourite colour.  I think sometimes God just really wants us to see how much He really knows us…
• Divorce was filed
• My new beginning has officially begun
• I have new ideas on things I want to do – my creativity is coming back
• I’ve learned how to handle stress wayyyyy better
• I’ve realized that what some see as my weaknesses or the things that they don’t like in me became the things I no longer liked about me.  However, they have resurfaced now that I’m coming back to who I was.  People respond to me so differently and I really feel like God has started to use what is perceived as my ‘flaws’ as something good – like me talking too much – If I didn’t like to talk and share things I wouldn’t be writing this blog or being sharing my story and helping young girls who are where I was 5 years ago
• I have also accepted myself for just who I am.  I am me – curves and all and that’s alright.  There is no other like me.  I’m not perfect and I’m working on the things I can but it’s all about progress.  I have met a lot of new people in the last month and they seem to like who I am too - the real me and that's really cool.  I was told for so long that I was socially awkward and that people didn't actually like me, they just pretended to my face so I've officially been released from those negative opinions and I'm breaking into my own element and being who God created me to be.  These people I'm meeting - they don't have any expectations or want me to fulfill something for them - they just enjoy spending time with me like I enjoy spending time with them - it's so refreshing and I feel so loved!

I am more confident than ever that God is with me and that He’s brought me so far and that He’s not just going to stop now…He’s proving it time and time again.  Here’s just one example…while I was getting texts from my ex yesterday about the divorce and that he just filed, I got a text from a girl I met this weekend at the retreat I was at…keep in mind, my text message will still open from Him…what did her text say….

It was John 15:16 - You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.

Why did that verse mean something to me…well because this act of filing for divorce is about the only thing I can remember him doing on his own without me having to do it since I met him.  And it’s kind of hard as a sensitive woman to swallow that the first thing he did was make the final move to get rid of me. 

I then got another text saying Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Now this scripture is pretty obvious as to why it touched me…I don’t think I could break it down any better that it is in the scripture.  But in short – I need not worry but rather to trust God.

And followed by an encouragement to walk by faith and not by sight and that she was trusting with me that this God who loves me dearly will fight on my behalf.

Now, to some, these messages may seem strange.  This may seem like nothing to you…but to me – it’s huge!  This also happened the day my ex asked for our marriage certificate back in October or November so he could file for divorce…2 minutes after his text, I got a text with a scripture from a pastor friend. 

I have a hard time believing that this isn’t God.  Rather I believe that he’s right there with me, even in what should be my darkest hour – my valley. 

Some of you may ask yourselves as you read this…why is this chick so open with what is going on in her life?  Why isn’t she scared to share her most vulnerable feelings and what’s going on in her life?  Well, I really only have 1 answer for you and that is this….

God has brought me through a lot of heart wrenching things and I’m still here, I’m here to tell my story.  I’m here to try and help others who may have the same feelings of desperation that I once had.  Not only am I still here, I’ve been renewed and transformed and I’m stronger than I have ever been in my life!  3 weeks ago I almost threw in the towel completely and just wanted to give up on trying anything but I knew I couldn’t do that – I new I was at the very edge of my breakthrough and well…here I am…pushing forward and change is happening and my future is just brighter and brighter.

I suppose that this is enough for now but know this….

There is a God who loves you.  He loves me.  He is the reason that I live.  He is the reason that I’m still here and has helped me get through all this pain and heartache.  He is the reason that I live.  It’s your choice on what you believe but this is what I believe.  He is turning my ashes into something beautiful. 

I don’t know what my future holds, but I know he’s got me in the palm of His hands and I’m right where I need to be. 

My hope is that something in what I write has helped you or inspired you or encouraged you.  You are worthy of love and you have a purpose here on this earth.

Thank you to all those in my life who have been by my side through all of this and even beyond this.  Thank you for encouraging me to keep going and to stay positive and to keep fighting – for me!  Thank you for seeing the good in me even when I didn’t’ see it.

One last thing, I promise....as I sat here wrapping up my writing tonight one of my very favourite songs played...ironic enough it's the song I had some of my favourite people sing at my wedding.  Here's the youtube video of it if you want to check it out - it's called - Till I see you (click on the link)

Much love!

Sarah

Here are a couple pictures from my trip to Cuba.... I actually didn't take a lot - but I totally enjoyed my time!!!

 

 Oh here's some funny pics I thought I'd throw in too...a friend had a birthday party that was basketball themed and asked everyone to wear basket ball jerseys.  Well the only one I had was mine from High School - never expected to #1 wear it again and #2 wear it to a party lol

And lastely, I just like this picture - my nephew worked out with me one night and he let me bench press him lol

I will Beat Her!

A friend sent me the picture above this week and funny enough it waswhile I was out shopping for some last minute things for my trip down south.  It was a first time in a really long timethat I felt good while shopping for a bathing suit and some summer clothes butthe thing is…it’s not cause I’m my ideal size (cause that’s still quite a waysaway) but it was because something inside me is different.  Something in me finally recognizes that I amwho I am and I’m still a work in progress and I’ve said goodbye to the old meand I don’t plan on ever seeing her again!

I tried on a bunch of stuff and not everything looked good  or fit right but it didn’t get me down becauseI am beautiful and it’s not just because of what I look like…it’s about who Iam.  I’ve started to come into my ownagain and way more relaxed, fun and actually funnier than I thought I was…howeverI’ve had several embarasing moments at work this week because of it…sending anemail to your whole office about salad club and comparing it to interactiveadult show and tell…well…..that’s probably not a good idea….just saying.

Something happened this week in me that just sort of broke off more of thepast and more of the pain and rejection I’ve been feeling due to all the thingsgoing on in life.  I can’t even explain whyor what happened cause nothing major actually happened, it was just somethingin my heart.  I’m walking taller andholding my head up high and I’m still pushing through.  I feel strong and I’m not sure I’ve ever feltthis strength before.  It’s prettycool.  I still have some pretty big goalsto accomplish but I’ll get there in time and I’m just going to take it one dayat a time. 

The other interestng thing is that I’m in this state where I feel like I’mjust supposed to ‘be still’ like Psalm 46:10 says.  This was a verse that I was given a few monthsago by 4 or 5 people who didn’t know each other – all in the same week!  So I think God was trying to say something tome…ya think?  Only thing is…I had no ideawhat that meant – you say – Sarah, it is a pretty easy statement to understand,there aren’t even a lot of words to comprehend there.  Well ya… you’d think I’d get it quickily butseriously….I googled ‘how to be still’ – triying to figure out how you actuallygo about that or try and find a book to read about it…well there is no suchbook and well, 3 months later I finally got it….and well that’s what I’m doing. 

 

 

I pretty much am just sitting back and letting God do things and notworrying, problem solving or trying to fix things on my own (for all those thatknow this is a huge feat…I’m not good at this and plan everything like a madwoman).  Does it mean I sit at home doingnothing all day…no…it means that I go about my regular days – up at 6, headinto work, do my work thang (and work super hard of course – I do absolutlylove what I do) and then get home around 6. I commute 3 ½ hours a day but it gives me time to read my bible on thetrain and I get to walk 5k/day on my walk from union to work.  And mostly, my evenings consist of workingout and hanging out with the fam – with mom being home healing from surgery (bythe way – it went well and she is cancer free…praise the Lord!!)  .  I’m inbed by 10ish and then I repeat the next day. 

So most would say my days are full and that heck no that doesn’t actually looklike being still but it’s my heart that is still.  It’s my heart that is waiting on God andputting my trust in Him.  And, I’m justsitting back and watching him work.  It’sstarting in small ways but they are getting bigger and I’m seeing prayersanswered that I never really expected to see which is pretty neat if you askme.  And God is taking the pain I’ve beenthrough and the crappy things that have happened and giving me opportunity tospeak into other peoples lives – and these are situations that I have notsought you – people have come to me.  Sothat’s pretty cool of God cause he’s already turning my ashes into somethingbeautiful (also one of my favourite verses and I recently just had this tattoedon me – covering up another tattoo so kind of funny and ironic). 

My latest tattoo inspired by Isaiah 61 is on the left

For those who grew up with me...you're probably suprised how tattoo'd up I am...Yes this is my back...and yes i'm baring my curves for you all....

 

The other thing that is pretty new is this joy I have inside me.  Most people would say I’m a pretty happyperson but there were a few years that there wasn’t much life in me.  There was no passion, no joy, no excitement forlife (I know…hard to imagine, right? Cause now I just don’t shut up lol).  Well, that’s changed too.  I have so much to live for, I have so much tooffer and the possibilities are endless!  I used to think that I’d get tothis state when everything in my life lined up – and when I had my own family,was at my goal weight, was at the top of my career, had all the money in theworld I’d want and so on.  But acutallymy life right now has not accomplished any of those things…well I’d say mycareer is going really well but the others, well they’re still what I’mreaching for and you know what, I’m stil happy! I’d actually venture to say that I’m happier than I’ve ever been.  My circumstances aren’t dictating my joy orlack of joy….if they were, I’d still be miserable with all that’s going on, havegone on or rather not going on and not solved. 

One other interesting thing happened this week...talked to a guy I used to date a few years ago and he said something to me that impacted me so huge!  I used to think I wanted to be known as beautiful or the hot girl and that when others thought that of me, thats what they should think of.... but he told me something more valuable than that...he told me that I was a girl of quality, a girl of substance and that I deserved to be treated so well and that meant more than him telling me I was hot.  I want to be known as a girl of quality, substance, strength, compassion and love.  My prioriites and mindset are certainly changing and that is the impression and legacy I want to live and leave behind me.

Anyways, this week has been a little slower in terms of my working outcause I’ve still got this silly cold but I’ve been trying to sleep it off whichis good.  But, you know whaat I havn’tdone – I haven’t gone off my healthy eating plan.  I think I cheated once this week – I had awerthers.  So, that’s pretty good if youask me J  It’s progress, hugeprogress for me! 

I’m a work in progress, my target is constantly changing, my plan changesregularly but what matters right now is that I keep moving forward, take holdof the things I can change and let go of the things I can’t and embracing all of who I am…curves and all.

I’ll leave you with one of my new found favourite verses that I discoveredthis week…

(7:2) "..... The curves of your thighs are likejewels, the work of the hands of a master craftsman." -Song of Solomon 7:1

I hope you all have a great week and can get something out of this for you if nothing other than encouragement that even when things aren’t perfect in life, you can still be happy, you can still have a bounce in your step and you can achieve your dreams, one day at a time!

 

  

 

 

All the blood, sweat and tears are damn worth it - Celebrating 1 month!

 

I meant to write this post last week but things have been rather busy.  February 21^st marked 1 month since I got my act back together and boy does it feel fan-friggin-tastic!

 

Here’s all the things I had to celebrate in month one

 

ü  8 pound weight loss

ü  15.75 inches lost (between bust, abdomen, hips, waist, thighs, calves, etc.)

ü  Successfully managed to stay on track on weekends – usually only cheated 1 or 2 times each week  and we’re talking like A piece of chocolate – not crazy cheating (this is enormous improvement for me!!)

ü  Worked out at least 3 times every week, if not more

ü  Tippled my workout time actually – used to do only 30 minutes of ciruit training 3 times we week and now I’m doing 1.5 – 2 hours, 3 times per week – now this might sound like a lot but I just get going and feel so good so I keep going so it doesn’t feel like I’m working out this long.

ü  Started running again – not much but I got my feet wet at least and signed up for the St. Patrick’s day 5k next month

ü  Successfully made wise choices when going out for dinner – no more burgers and beer for this girl…I’ll survive!  Including going to the movies twice and not getting movie poporn which is just horrible for you - I brought a steak salad and grapes with me last night to the movies lol

ü  Gave up wheat part way through the month – not going super crazy with this – just really avoiding stuff like breads and pasta - already feeling a difference - just dont feel as bloated

 

While all of these are all super exciting, there is something else that feels even better than all that put together or rather that something else is due to all of those things added together.  There are certain positive results given to me – I feel strong, I feel powerful, I feel good about me, I feel happy and I feel confident.  Confident that I can accomplish my goals, continue to excel in the things I invest time in. 

 

There seems to have been a lot that has happened this month.  I’ve had some sad days, happy days, and frustrating days but at the end of the day….I’m still standing and I am stronger than I was a month ago – physically, mentally and spiritually.  For years I was in pain and felt like I was drowning, and all though things in my life are not all ‘fixed’, I can still stand with my head held high and I can remain in peace knowing that God’s go this – He’s got me!

 

One of the verses I’ve really clung to this past month is Proverbs 3: 6 and it says this:

“Acknowledge him in all your ways, and he will make your paths straight.”

 

I may have made some really poor choices over the years and I’ve had to pay some consequences for them but as I learn to lean on God and trust him to direct me, He is and will continue to do so and straighten out this mess I’ve made.  I’m so thankful for His grace and His love and His provision in my life. 

 

Now for some less serious chatter…

 

I get asked a lot what types of things do I eat and how on earth have you managed to not eat wheat – especially being Italian?   Well the choice was one that I took a long time to make and I did this in stages.  For the most part I had cut pasta out of my regular diet and for bread I was pretty much only eating a whole wheat English muffin at breakfast.  Now, I just don’t eat wheat and have found some alternative carbs – I don’t think my world would go on if I couldn’t have any carbs, I might actually die…no seriously, I might…

 

So, here’s some ideas if you’re looking to change things up and get a sense of what I'm doing....

 

Breakfast ideas:

I like to have protein and some sort of carb so I’ve been having 2 eggs (either hardboiled or fried – no oil thought) and 1 cup of cooked oat bran.  When I cook my oat bran I put in some sort of fruit (I like mangos and strawberries best) and this week I added some coconut flakes.  I put a little bit of milk in too and I’m good to go – I made enough for a week’s worth of breakfast and it works great!

 

So, why oat bran – well there is no wheat it in and apparently it’s got a lot of great health benefits to it – do a quick search on it if you’re interested. 

 

Another great idea is loaded omelets.  You can do a combination of eggs and egg whites (I usually do 1 egg and like ½ cup of egg whites) then I add in a selection of other things I like such as: spinach, kale, onions, peppers, chicken, cheese – often very little cheese, salsa, broccoli, etc.

 
Lunch ideas:

I’m still making my mini turkey meat loaves (I take ground turkey, add some peppers, onions and spinach and some seasoning and then I roll them in balls – usually about 1 cup- and put them in a casserole dish and cook @ 400 for about 35 minutes- then I put them in zip locks or a Tupperware container and freeze them and take them out when I want one).  I usually then have some other veggies like peas or green beans and have some quinoa (I like mine with just a little bit of butter and salt and pepper). 

 

I also do salads on Tuesdays and Thursdays – we have salad club at work both days so everyone who participates brings to ingredients and then you all share – it’s pretty awesome.  And then I bring some chicken breast and add it to my salad for some protein .  If I’m really hungry I’ll have some quinoa as well.

 

Dinner Ideas

Well I tried a few new things this month

 

I did chicken parmesan but instead of bread crumbs I used oat bran and seasoned it and then baked it – I usually a really yummy and pretty natural sauce from Costco – white linen label I think.  And then I usually have a salad too.  I used a little bit of bocincchini cheese on top too instead of cheddar

  

Here’s one of my new fav salads too: cherry tomatoes (cut in half) – 2 packages, 1 red onion (chopped), 2 packs of fresh basil (chopped), boccinchini cheese (cut up into little pieces), a little bit of olive oil and some salt and pepper.  I mix this all up and leave it in a Tupperware container and it lasts a few meals.  I usually add it to arugula or spinach salad.  I also load a bunch of other random things in my salads – kale, avocado, nuts, crasins or raisins, green olives, etc and for dressing I usually just put in a little olive oil and sometimes balsamic vinegar too.  When I don’t have a meat prepared I usually just throw in some chicken breast so and there’s a meal!

 

Something else I really like is taking chicken breast, some coconut milk (light is less calories and fat), fresh basil chopped up and some red curry paste and put cook it all together.  It’d delicious!  I put this on top of miracle noodles (0 calorie noodles) or quinoa. 

 

Snacks:

I usually portion out my snacks as well (like in mini Tupperware containers or zip lock bags):

½ cup cottage cheese, ½ yogurt, ¼ trail mix, fruit, hardboiled eggs, apple with almond butter, banana with natural peanut butter (ie. No sugar or salt – just nuts) etc.

 

I’ve been having a loaded protein shake in the afternoons too.  Here’s what I’ve been putting in it:

Kale, parsley, spinach, protein powder, pomegranate juice, lemon juice, raspberries, blueberries and mangos.  I put it all in a magic bullet and enjoy!

 

What have I been doing for my fitness you ask? Here are what my workouts looks like:

ü  4 days I walk 5k (my walk to and from work to union station)

ü  3 Big workouts/week – Monday, Wednesday and Saturdays: 3 curcuits plus ab work and stretching:

ü  Circuit 1 – repeated 3 times

o   10 burpees

o   15 squats with 15 lb kettlebell – plus a pull up to sholder length – hard to explain

o   15 side pull ups with 15 lb kettle bell

o   10 side lunges on each leg with 10 lb bicep in each hand doing curls

o   10 Wide shoulder press with squats (10lbs/hand)

o   10 Squat and corkscrew presses (10lbs/hand)

o   10 squats with 20 lbs and kick (10 each side – 20 total)

o   15 dead lifts – 50 lbs

ü  Circuit 2 – repeated 3 times

o   10 sets of: 10 punches each arm, 10 side jumps each leg and a 1 burpee

o   10 chest flies (10lbs/hand)

o   10 triceps lifts (10lbs/hand)

o   10 back lunges with 20 lbs and kick (10 each side – 20 total)

ü  Circuit 3 – repeated 3 times

o   10 clean and presses – 25 lbs

o   10 bicep curls – 25 lbs

o   15 squats – 20 lbs

o   10 chest presses – 20 lbs

ü  Abs - I then do some ab work for about 10 minutes

o   1 minute - Bicycle

o   50 - Full sit ups (ie start laying on back and sit up and touch my toes)

o   50 side to sides with 10 lbs

o   50 Crunches on medicine ball

o   Etc.

ü  I try and do 1 really heavy duty ab workout a week and do the bodyrock ab video that is about 18 minutes long – usually on Saturdays

 And then I always finish a workout with stretching. 

 If I do a full 3 circuits, some ab work and stretching it usually takes me 2 hours – I usually do those workouts Saturdays cause I have more time and Mondays and Wednesdays I usually cut off at an hour and a half. Sound like a lot but doesn’t feel like it – I’ve got everything I need at home and I usually watch the biggest looser while I workout J  The time goes by so quickly and I sweat like crazy!

So that’s pretty much everything this month consisted of.  The plan for the next month is to continue working hard and I’m actually going to try and add some more cardio workouts in – zumba and running 1 or 2 times a week. 

 

I leave for Cuba on the 17^th so I have something to work towards which is nice and I plan on staying on track while on vacation…I’m sure I’ll work off lots while dancing all night, every night! So excited to go away!  I have another trip planned for the end of the year with some friends to celebrate our 30^th birthdays so that will be an even bigger goal to get to for that trip, but I can do it!

 

I’ve included some pics of some of the meals I’ve made and some updated pics of where I’m at J

 

Peace out!

 

Chicken parm and Salad

 

 

 BBQ Steak and Salad with lots of good stuff - I actually took this to the movies with me instead of popcorn (which is my fav thing to have)

 BBQ Chicken and Salad chucked full of good stuff

 Spring Salad with mini turkey meatloaf

 

 My fav to salad addition - cherry tomattos, boccinchini cheese, red peppers, fresh basil, olive oil, salt and pepper

 

Chicken Parm - breaded with oat bran and topped with boccinichini cheese

 

 

Here are some of the exercises I've added to my routine too

 

Finally starting to see some major differences in my face and body which is pretty exciting!

 

 

 

 

 

Here is where I started (this was May 2011 - 306 lbs)