My last blog post ended with talking about getting back to
my journaling and resting and being still…one of my verses that has held massive significance in my journey the last few years (Psalm 46:10 – “Be
Still and Know that I am God”)….well I did just that after my blog post….I took
a 3 hour nap on Sunday afternoon, journaled, read and kept this up for the
first half of the week and was so enjoying it…and then something crazy happened
in my stillness. Before I go on, one
thing I asked God for during my prayer time was to show me a tangible way that he loved me. I was really feeling the need for being loved
and asked God for something tangible – it was kind of a strange request I
suppose but I was needing something a little extra special.
Now first, before I get into the details let’s talk about my
challenges with being still. Growing up
I wasn't really allowed to be still.
There was no being lazy in our home.
Sitting around watching TV unless we were sick or working on packaging
phone cards for my dad’s business just was a big no-no. There was always something that could be
done. So, being still has always been
quite the challenge for me. When God
first gave me this word – I legit googled, How to be still, like I was going to
find a book on it or something….oy vey lol
Well, it was April 30th … it was like 3 days of
being still … And on my way home from work, I get this email
Yup, that’s right – I got an email asking me if I wanted to
be in a pageant – the Miss Plus Canada 2014.
I kept staring at the email and thinking – is this for real!?!? Well, I posted the above picture on Instagram and
had so many comments from friends and family right away – encouraging me and
telling me to go for it…well I contacted the director and filled out my
application that night…
Now see what makes this even funnier to me is that I’m in
the tail end of the process for going in for gastric bypass right so that sent
me into a whirlwind the next week or so trying to process that. Was this a sign that I shouldn't do the
surgery? Was I really confident in who I
was – regardless of that number on the scale?
Well the next day…. I got the ‘acceptance’ as being a
contestant in the pageant. No way! Was this
really happening?? Even when the first meeting and rehearsal came I felt like - are they going to change their mind and turn me away....There is so much more that
has happened around all this and I’ll get into that but let me tell you
something else first that happened the day that I found out I was a contestant…
I got a message from someone. The beautiful Gloria Garvie. See, she runs a program in Durham schools
teaching girls (grades 7 and 8) their value, worth and beauty. Well, her year-end party was the following
week and she really felt that asking me to speak would be a good idea….I had to
work out my schedule, but it worked out quite well…Here’s the thing….I don’t
know Gloria all that well – she knew my parents back in the day and I have
friends who know her really well but she doesn't know my story but she really had it pressed on her heart to ask me to speak.
So after telling me all about her program and what she was looking for in terms of speakers, I asked her…Gloria, do you even know my story? She replied with ‘no’, obviously, so I gave her the nutshell version. My journey to discovering my worth, value and beauty has been a long one but I've felt that I was meant to share it with young girls – and this was my first opportunity to share it with some beautiful girls!
So after telling me all about her program and what she was looking for in terms of speakers, I asked her…Gloria, do you even know my story? She replied with ‘no’, obviously, so I gave her the nutshell version. My journey to discovering my worth, value and beauty has been a long one but I've felt that I was meant to share it with young girls – and this was my first opportunity to share it with some beautiful girls!
It was such an amazing time and I couldn't believe the
response by the girls to what I had spoken about. I was in awe at the doors God was opening –
after being still for 3 days….To God be all the glory. Something else really
cool is that one of my very best friends, Natalie was there that day with me –
it was so nice to have her by my side on this very special day! (she's the beautiful one on the right)
Just about to go into my talk, someone said, you should record it, so Nat did for me!
Here is a video of
what I shared….
CLICK HERE to view the video on Youtube
What is neat also, is that I had posted in Instagram and
Facebook what I was doing and how blessed I felt and again, I had so much
support!
I also received a beautiful photo book with pictures from
our day – what a special memento to such a monumental day
OK so if being asked to be in a pageant and speaking and
sharing my story of God’s love, redemption and peace wasn't enough of a
tangible sign of showing me God’s love… I also received a gift…something tangible
from a friend.
I received a journal from a beautiful friend of mine…I was
called “The Beauty of the Lord”. It’s a
daily devotional journal, which I love because I was trying to figure out a devotional
to do everyday and journaling my days are so key.
So not only was it a gift, it held so much significance and meaning… It again is about beauty and God has been trying to show me my beauty and that it’s not all about that reflection I see in the mirror. The book itself was beautiful too - obmre actually which I love. The bookmark in it was on a devotional called, “ I Surrender” which was exactly what I did at the beginning of the week – surrendered my plans for God’s and submitted myself to him to allow Him to work in my life so that I could be his hands and feet here on earth.
And then….when I opened the inside cover, I also saw my theme verse in all of this – “Be Still and know that I am God” – Psalm 46:10
So not only was it a gift, it held so much significance and meaning… It again is about beauty and God has been trying to show me my beauty and that it’s not all about that reflection I see in the mirror. The book itself was beautiful too - obmre actually which I love. The bookmark in it was on a devotional called, “ I Surrender” which was exactly what I did at the beginning of the week – surrendered my plans for God’s and submitted myself to him to allow Him to work in my life so that I could be his hands and feet here on earth.
And then….when I opened the inside cover, I also saw my theme verse in all of this – “Be Still and know that I am God” – Psalm 46:10
I just cried upon receiving this journal and I’m so enjoying
it. There have been some days where I’m
blown away at the relevance it has in my own life, for that specific day – here’s
an example…. This is from a post from May
10th, 2014
Something else big happened in May – the WINGS Maternity
Home Glitter of Hope Gala. It was such a
beautiful night and the heart of WINGS was really portrayed. I was soooo proud to see our mamma’s graduate,
hear testimonies from some of our girls and the talent through the evening was
just amazing! It was a lot of work but it was so amazing to see it all come
together! There were performers, testimonies, great supporters of WINGS, our
Board, friends, family and Disney Princesses!!!
I even had a couple princesses help me with my hair and makeup to get
ready!
I am sooooo beyond thankful at the opportunity I have to
work with WINGS. It’s really neat to be
able to use my skills in my professional life (administration, fundraising and
event planning) for a ministry and to also be able to pour into these special
mom’s and babies that are at WINGS. I have
been blessed beyond measure by those I have met through WINGS and I’m so
grateful that God has given me such a special opportunity.
WINGS is in need of monthly donors to help us with the bills
associated with running the home (mortgage, hydro, water, food, programs, etc.).
Here are some great pictures from the night as well as a video
from the night if you want to check them out:
Laura’s Song – Laura actually learned the song, bought and relearned the piano to play with
it while she sang in less than a week!!!
CLICK HERE to view the video on Youtube
It was taken from this
song that was a viral video - CLICK HERE to view the video on Youtube
If your interested in
learning more about WINGS and even supporting us, check out our website:
To hear some more great testimonies
of our girls – check out some of the interviews on our website:
So during the next few weeks of time I really started
wrestling with the whole gastric bypass surgery and all these modeling
opportunities and now this pageant. I
woke up one morning and just questioned everything about it – do I move forward
with it, am I being a hypocrite doing this surgery and being in a plus size pageant
where we are proclaiming that our curves are ok? The next week or so I really just want back
and forth in my mind. The day this
started was the day I also found out from my internist appointment that he
thought I had a thyroid issue according to my blood test (which I’ve followed
up on and is not the case) and he thinks I have sleep apnea and sent me for a
sleep test (that was fun…NOT).
I think this is a good new look for me….what do you think
lol
The result of all the back and forth was this…
I am doing this for health reasons. My back is still in pain every day and the
weight needs to be gone. I have tried
everything and have struggled for so long.
I am NOT doing this surgery because I can’t stand to look myself in the
mirror or am not confident in who I am and it’s not because I don’t love
myself, it’s actually quite the opposite….I do love myself and I want to be healthy.
If I win this pageant, than that’s great but it will be for
a year of my life and this surgery will have lifelong effects. I cannot wait to be active again and get back
running, hiking, biking and just enjoying life!
This whole thing has been quite the experience and I’m so excited for
how much fun it is and will be. We rehearse every Saturday for the pageant – we’re
doing a fun dance and includes all the things you see in a pageant – swimsuit,
evening gown and…talent. I really
pondered what my talent would be and I decided on doing a spoken word – with my
story. I really feel like this is a
place where my story may be able to help others and is a platform for young
woman to embrace all of who they are – regardless of the number on the
scale. I am so blessed to be a party of
this and to have met so many amazing women!
The pageant is on June 30th in Toronto – if you’re interested
in attending – you can purchase tickets from me and online
You can also follow them on Instagram and Facebook to see
the updates leading up to the pageant and night of
Instagram: http://instagram.com/misspluscanada
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MissPlusCanada
Twitter: https://twitter.com/misspluscanada
Check out a pic of some of us at rehearsal 2 weeks ago
Something kind of funny….I started breaking in my shoes for
the pageant and the same week I bought a pair of Birkenstocks and was breaking
them in – I think I confused my feet quite a bit
I also received a beautiful painting this month that I’ve
hung in my room. My beautifully,
talented friend Laura (the one who sang at the WINGS gala) paints scripture
inspired paintings. I asked her to paint
me something and payed her for it. The only
direction I gave her was to make it bright to match my room (which she had
never seen actually). Well, she blew me
away! Here it is!
There is so much significance in this….
-It is bright and beautiful … It has hibiscus flowers which
are my fav … the woman (inspired by me) is crowned with beauty (IS 61) and her
tears are not going to waste – they are watering her garden… she also gave me a
new scripture (IS 58:11) about God directing me and strengthening my frame (my
back). I just love it and I’m so
thankful for this piece (I’ve never bought any art before actually).
One more other really exciting thing this month was that I
got to go to Calgary last week and speak at the Habitat for Humanity Canada’s
national conference. I got to speak on
Online fundraising best practices. It
was so neat! I was super nervous but my
nerves finally calmed when I realized – hey, I know what I’m talking
about. We signed 5 new contracts too so
I’d say it was a success.
While I was there I got to go visit Dawson’s grave site at
Queens Park (my brother in law) and I also got to visit with my ‘bro’ and his
wife and kids which was so nice! It was
such a great trip.
I took the red eye home Thursday night to make it to my last
set of appointments for Gastric bypass…I didn’t sleep on the plane so I was so
worried that I was not going to stay awake (I actually got to the hospital at
7am and slept in my car for an hour and half for the 3 hours of meetings). Well, my meetings went better than
expected!!! My nurse told me that my blood
work was virtually perfect (aside from my very low vitamin D – see all those
vacations down south are actually needed for my health ;) ) and instead of
having to stay in the hospital for 3 days after surgery, I only have to stay
there for 24 hour which is amazing! We
talked for a while and we talked about how I will be post-surgery and she is
confident that I will do well physically as well as emotionally because I’ve
worked on my inside and have learned to love me. I met with the dietician and she was happy to
hear that I understood the process and also believes I will be successful with
this and then came the psychiatrist apt, the one I was really nervous about –
she only needed 5 minutes with me instead of an hour and also said she’s
confident I will do well and succeed with this.
I go on Monday (only a few days away) to find out my surgery date. A year later and this is finally going to
happen.
Life has certainly been very interesting and I sit back and reflect,
I think about how thankful I am to have come through what I’ve come through and
come out on the other side. I am
confident that the plans for my life our good and I’ve given up trying to
control them and just live life. I have really
seen this past month how much I’ve gown and I’m so thankful to be able to say
that…. I am the happiest me I have ever been.
I am fulfilled, I am peaceful, I am confident and I love my life. No, I’m not perfect and not everything in my
life is but I’m ok with it. I’m excited
to see what the future holds and what other adventures are on the horizon. I’m now in the place where I’m able to share
my story (mostly without crying) and give hope to others who may not have it today. I am just so grateful for everything and
everyone in my life.
My heart is full.
I thought I'd share something else with you too that I totally related with... and although for some, it seems crazy to be open with my story - there is healing for me and I'm learning that there is healing for others.
CLICK HERE to read Sarah Jakes' interview with Charisma Magazine on sharing her testimony and the healing that comes along with it.
This was my fav part I think....
"When asked what lessons she hopes her readers take away from her book she says...That they have the grace to try again. Whether it's a divorce, whether it's a teen pregnancy, or whether you were the victim or the villain in someone's story, you really do have the grace to try again.
One mistake doesn't have to define the remainder of your life. You still have time and you still have hope, and if God is with you, He said He's going to complete this work in you.
But we have to really give Him permission to complete that work. And if readers of this book really accept grace and the ability to try again, then I know that God will meet them as He has met me.?
This was my fav part I think....
"When asked what lessons she hopes her readers take away from her book she says...That they have the grace to try again. Whether it's a divorce, whether it's a teen pregnancy, or whether you were the victim or the villain in someone's story, you really do have the grace to try again.
One mistake doesn't have to define the remainder of your life. You still have time and you still have hope, and if God is with you, He said He's going to complete this work in you.
But we have to really give Him permission to complete that work. And if readers of this book really accept grace and the ability to try again, then I know that God will meet them as He has met me.?
Until next time...
