Tonight I sit here in my room, in my new place (in the city) and I should
feel really down and part of me is…but at the same time, I’m holding on for
dear life. I cried a lot of tears
today – tears of pain and frustration.
Today I had 2 of my ribs pop out of place for the second time in 5 days
making it hard and painful to even breathe.
It’s been over 2 ½ years that I’ve been in this battle with
my back, neck, shoulders and collarbone – in pain everyday. All the while I’ve been working at
trying to get my weight down and going through a lot of emotional stress with my divorce.
The last 9 months I’ve been at a plateau which has been
quite frustrating to say the least.
So, when I moved to the city 6 weeks ago I decided I needed to do
something to change things up. I
took the time to get settled in and continue seeing a new chiropractor (my 9th
one) and finally started to get some relief. I started to de-stress, went from having a 4 hour
daily commute to just over an hour (35-40 minute bike ride each way to work)
and started considering what else I needed to do to get this weight off for
good.
I went gung-ho!
I started biking 100km/week and started doing body pump 2-3 times a week
only to put my back out in the second week. So I had to take a couple weeks off. Once that resolved itself (after a lot
of tears) I went and met with my cousin who put me through a fit test and
suggested I try doing a 4 day split weight training program and reduce my
portions some more (I had let things creep up a bit). She also suggested visiting her naturopath to make sure I’m
doing what’s right for my body.
So, that brought me to last week…I was feeling great! So I started my new weight training
program – I was super sore but it felt good. I went easy – not super heavy weights and slow so that my
form was good. I also went to
visit the naturopath for my first assessment visit where I just spilled
everything I was doing, things that were going on with my body and expressed my
goals – get pain free, have my body deal with stress better and loose my last
90-100 lbs. So that was
Monday. Thursday I go visit my
chiropractor and was up all that night.
I was in agony! I ended up
going for an emergency appointment only to find out I put a rib out of place
which is why it hurt to breathe. I
spent the weekend relaxing with my sister and nephew to try and calm things
down. Monday rolls around and I’m
in pain again, so I drive to work instead of riding. I also had my naturopath follow up only to find out there
were some significant things going on in my body that I wasn’t aware of…super
low iron (almost anemic levels), low on b12, thyroid issues, etc. She is confident with some natural
tools we can fix these things and work on the pain as well.
So last night I was feeling pretty encouraged that things
were about to change. Then I woke
up today and so much pain again – it hurt to breathe and all. I got out of bed and just laid on the
floor and cried and again had to drive into work today. I made another emergency chiro
appointment only to find out I put 2 ribs out again….and I’m not allowed to
bike or go to the gym the rest of the week.
So tonight I come home and I just get in bed and watch tv –
I have no energy. Fighting all the
temptations of just having bad food cause I’m so sad, mad and frustrated. Tonight I have overcome! I enjoyed some Greek yogurt and
eggs. Probably could have eaten
more but I’m actually not very hungry because I’m so nauseous from the
pain.
But today is just one day. I have to learn to accept me for me and continue on making
progress. I keep putting the
pressure on myself to just loose all 90 lbs now but if I don’t love myself at
every step, I’m never going to love myself when I finally get to my goal.
So, tonight, I surrender to my body. I surrender to the process and I hold
on for dear life knowing that things will get better. I know God has a plan and He’s working things out for good
for me. His word tells me so and
He hasn’t let me down yet.
I took a couple tiny steps tonight to take pictures of where
I’m at right now and I blog to get my feelings out and center myself some
more. I didn’t eat my
feelings. I relaxed (which I’m
typically not good at).
The last couple years have been hard but they are coming
around. All the crap that’s left
in there seems to be surfacing but I can only hope that’s just so things can
start soaring and not hold me down.
My divorce is almost finalized.
I am almost free. I am in a
good place and I need to stay that way.
No turning back, no turning back…
