(For those who don't know my tat's...yes those are my feet)
To most, today is just
another day. For me however, Today
is pretty much epic - for a few reasons.
Tonight I quickly reflect on
the last 5 years and tonight...I leave them in the past. I leave all the pain, hurt,
devastation, abuse, neglect, and anything that is not positive – heck I even
leave all the stuff beyond those 5 years.
And tonight...I not only walk forward but run as fast as I can into the
future my God has promised me. As
Jeremiah 29:11 says,
“For I know the plans I have
for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans
to give you hope and a future.”
He's also promised me a new
beginning in Isaiah 43:19
“Behold, I will do a new
thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way
in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.”
Why has this new beginning
all of a sudden come…well my husband let me know that he filed for divorce
yesterday. Our relationship was a
tough one. There was a lot of pain
and a lot of hurt. I loved him a
lot but to be honest, I’m not sure he loved me – that’s something he even told
me during our separation. But, you
know what, I know I loved with all that I could, I did everything I could to
try and save our marriage and make him happy - including working on all my stuff that wasn’t so
pleasant. Do I regret having the
hope and faith I had for reconciliation – NO. Because I know that I won’t have any regrets for trying my
best and hardest, I would have regrets if I didn’t try my best though.
It’s actually kind of
strange but last year on April 6th – I cooked him the last meal I
ever cooked him. We were separated
but I cooked him dinner on his birthday.
It was the next couple days following that day that he stopped talking
to me again and I really felt God ask me to start praying for the
reconciliation of our marriage.
But, that was really what God me seeking God and re-developing my
relationship with Him. You see, being
a Christian isn’t just about religion, or going to church, or following the 10
commandments. It’s about a
relationship with our creator, our Heavenly Father, the one who breathed life
into us and set this world in motion.
Looking back now, I think
God knew the only thing that I put before him was my husband. And maybe the only way God could get my
attention was to try and get me praying for my marriage. Because, if you knew me the first 4
months of our separation, I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do about our
marriage. The man I married and
loved so deeply hurt me so badly in so many ways and was unfaithful (at least
with his heart). I was so
angry. I didn’t want anything to
do with him and at the same time I couldn’t imagine life without him. I knew I deserved to be treated better
and maybe I didn’t do a great job of being a wife either. All I knew was things were bad and the
only thing to change that – was through prayer.
It is now pretty much
exactly a year later (I’m just not 100% sure on the date but it was within a
week of April 6th, 2012) that I got on my knees before God and
started to repent for all I had done.
I prayed that God would change me – my usual prayer was that God would
change him but I was urged to pray a different prayer in a book by Stormie
Omartian called The Power of a Praying Wife. I ready the book probably 8 times in the last year during
our separation. I spent time
praying for him and that he would do well in all that he did, and I prayed that
God would change me.
Well, I at least know God
answered the prayers about me. As
I have not really seen him in months, I don’t really know what’s gong on with
him other than he’s moved on and is with someone else.
But none of that matters….
I’m not the same person that I was a year and a half ago. Even as I sit here writing and thinking
about what life was like for me a year and a half ago, I’m brought to
tears. I was so broken, angry,
passionless, jagged, and dark – I had no light in me. Today if you were to meet me – you’d see that I’m a totally
different person – you actually may not recognize me. Despite all the pain and difficulties the last year and a
half, I’m happy. I smile all the
time. I have passion back. I have drive and determination and most
importantly, I have peace. This
was not the result of me getting her in my own strength. No, I had to relinquish all control,
all my will and my stubbornness to my Heavenly Father. And you know what, it’s the most free I
have ever felt – which I get, seems so bizarre.
My prayer for him, the one I
loved so furiously, is that he does well in life and that he realizes how much
our Heavenly Father loves him too and that he wants great things for him. I hope he finds what he is looking in
for life and I pray for his safety.
But, today I need to run into my future and all God has in store for me.
So what did I spend my day
doing – the day that marked the first page in Sarah’s new book? Well, I went to work – to the job I
love and am so thankful for and was surrounded by people who encourage me so
much even on days that are tough, who make me laugh, who inspire me to do great
and who see me as a strong woman – I always thought I was so weak. I’m learning that was a lie.
I spent time today thinking
about what is next for me and asking God to guide me in it all. We are putting our house up for sale in
a few weeks and I’m on the hunt for a new place to live. I’m looking for something downtown
Toronto – close to work and I have a list of things I’m hoping to find in my
first place on my own downtown. I
said I’d never live downtown…well I’m learning you should never say never
cause….well a lot of my “nevers” are becoming my realities.
I’m making plans for my
future – what do I want? Where do
I want to go? Who do I want to
be? How can I better myself? How can I make an impact on those
around me for the better? So many
questions and so many possibilities.
These are different questions than I’ve asked in the past and the state
of mind I’m asking them is so different too. I’m not longer a victim. I’m not longer ruled by my situations – good and bad. I’m no longer just trying to survive,
but rather, I’m thriving and I will continue to thrive!
I’ve sort of taking a few
weeks to be more ‘still’ and I’ve sort of slacked off on my workout regimen but
still eating good – mostly lol.
And you know what, I’m not beating myself up for it. Divorce is hard and it’s emotional and
it’s like a death and I need to give me some time. With that said – I will be picking up my weights again next
week and getting back at it.
However, this time, during this break – I didn’t’ throw my eating right
out the window and I’m not beating myself up for needing to rest and I’m not
going backwards. I’m learning that
as long as you are making progress – in whatever you do – it is good. For so long I’ve had the pressure to be
‘on’ all the time and I end up wearing myself out and hating what I’m
doing. So a break is sometimes
necessary and when dealing with a
broken heart…it’s really necessary.
A lot has happened in the
last month actually, even as I try to ‘be still’….and here it is in summary….
- Went on a glorious vacation to Cuba with my mom
and had an amazing time and met some amazing people. I danced all night and slept in
the sun all day – probably got the best tan I ever have
- Have reduced my chiropractor visits to every
other week – which is great!
I’m not in as much pain as I was and she gave me some natural
supplements to help my body deal with stress and pain a little better
- I’ve made some major progress with a group of my
clients that have been really challenging to engage
- I’ve been set free from a lot of pain, heartache
and things holding me back
- I received significant breakthrough and healing
at a retreat I just attended last weekend
- I’m pretty sure I’ve found something that may
actually be my calling – something outside of what I do for work right now
– more to come on that but it’s one of my “I will never” statements
- God is answering my prayers left right and
center – I even prayed for an e-reader for my commute to work cause I
couldn’t afford one – I really wanted an iPad but realized I just needed
an e-reader…well…someone at work GAVE me one last week!!! And…it’s purple – my favourite
colour. I think sometimes God
just really wants us to see how much He really knows us…
- Divorce was filed
- My new beginning has officially begun
- I have new ideas on things I want to do – my
creativity is coming back
- I’ve learned how to handle stress wayyyyy better
- I’ve realized that what some see as my
weaknesses or the things that they don’t like in me became the things I no
longer liked about me.
However, they have resurfaced now that I’m coming back to who I
was. People respond to me so differently
and I really feel like God has started to use what is perceived as my ‘flaws’
as something good – like me talking too much – If I didn’t like to talk
and share things I wouldn’t be writing this blog or being sharing my story
and helping young girls who are where I was 5 years ago
- I have also accepted myself for just who I am. I am me – curves and all and that’s alright. There is no other like me. I’m not perfect and I’m working on the things I can but it’s all about progress. I have met a lot of new people in the last month and they seem to like who I am too - the real me and that's really cool. I was told for so long that I was socially awkward and that people didn't actually like me, they just pretended to my face so I've officially been released from those negative opinions and I'm breaking into my own element and being who God created me to be. These people I'm meeting - they don't have any expectations or want me to fulfill something for them - they just enjoy spending time with me like I enjoy spending time with them - it's so refreshing and I feel so loved!
I am more confident than
ever that God is with me and that He’s brought me so far and that He’s not just
going to stop now…He’s proving it time and time again. Here’s just one example…while I was
getting texts from my ex yesterday about the divorce and that he just filed, I
got a text from a girl I met this weekend at the retreat I was at…keep in mind,
my text message will still open from Him…what did her text say….
It was John 15:16 - You did
not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear
fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father
will give you.
Why did that verse mean
something to me…well because this act of filing for divorce is about the only
thing I can remember him doing on his own without me having to do it since I
met him. And it’s kind of hard as
a sensitive woman to swallow that the first thing he did was make the final
move to get rid of me.
I then got another text
saying Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about
anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God.
Now this scripture is pretty
obvious as to why it touched me…I don’t think I could break it down any better
that it is in the scripture. But
in short – I need not worry but rather to trust God.
And followed by an
encouragement to walk by faith and not by sight and that she was trusting with
me that this God who loves me dearly will fight on my behalf.
Now, to some, these messages
may seem strange. This may seem
like nothing to you…but to me – it’s huge! This also happened the day my ex asked for our marriage certificate
back in October or November so he could file for divorce…2 minutes after his
text, I got a text with a scripture from a pastor friend.
I have a hard time believing
that this isn’t God. Rather I
believe that he’s right there with me, even in what should be my darkest hour –
my valley.
Some of you may ask
yourselves as you read this…why is this chick so open with what is going on in
her life? Why isn’t she scared to
share her most vulnerable feelings and what’s going on in her life? Well, I really only have 1 answer for
you and that is this….
God has brought me through a
lot of heart wrenching things and I’m still here, I’m here to tell my
story. I’m here to try and help
others who may have the same feelings of desperation that I once had. Not only am I still here, I’ve been
renewed and transformed and I’m stronger than I have ever been in my life! 3 weeks ago I almost threw in the towel
completely and just wanted to give up on trying anything but I knew I couldn’t
do that – I new I was at the very edge of my breakthrough and well…here I
am…pushing forward and change is happening and my future is just brighter and
brighter.
I suppose that this is
enough for now but know this….
There is a God who loves
you. He loves me. He is the reason that I live. He is the reason that I’m still here
and has helped me get through all this pain and heartache. He is the reason that I live. It’s your choice on what you believe but
this is what I believe. He is
turning my ashes into something beautiful.
I don’t know what my future
holds, but I know he’s got me in the palm of His hands and I’m right where I
need to be.
My hope is that something in
what I write has helped you or inspired you or encouraged you. You are worthy of love and you have a
purpose here on this earth.
Thank you to all those in my
life who have been by my side through all of this and even beyond this. Thank you for encouraging me to keep
going and to stay positive and to keep fighting – for me! Thank you for seeing the good in me
even when I didn’t’ see it.
One last thing, I promise....as I sat here wrapping up my writing tonight one of my very favourite songs played...ironic enough it's the song I had some of my favourite people sing at my wedding. Here's the youtube video of it if you want to check it out - it's called - Till I see you (click on the link)
Much love!
Sarah
Here are a couple pictures from my trip to Cuba.... I actually didn't take a lot - but I totally enjoyed my time!!!
Oh here's some funny pics I thought I'd throw in too...a friend had a birthday party that was basketball themed and asked everyone to wear basket ball jerseys. Well the only one I had was mine from High School - never expected to #1 wear it again and #2 wear it to a party lol
And lastely, I just like this picture - my nephew worked out with me one night and he let me bench press him lol
