So you know that scene in the movie Titanic where Rose holds onto to Jack for a really long time after the ship sinks...and finally she realizes there is no life left there...so she let's go....well today...I'm Rose...today... I'm letting go.
Today I'm letting go of the pain, shame, guilt, condemnation, low self esteem, lack of love for myself and all that other not so pretty junk.
My final straw was a new one for me...being told I didn't know how to treat him right because I hung up on him after he kept insulting me...guess the fact that I've been working out lots and building my backbone wasn't really appreciated...but hey...just like a body builder can't instantly shrink he's pecks to fit into a shirt on the spot, I can't just lay down and take it anymore...
Let's get one thing straight though...I'm not bitter...I'm better. I actually write this blog tonight with great peace and serenity, no anxiety, no stress, no bitterness (wait...maybe thats the muscle relaxant I took an hour ago). In all seriousness, I'm not holding onto this, I'm letting go - letting go of it all. If a miracle happened and things turned around, well that's great but it would have to be a miracle (according to Wikipedia, A miracle is an event attributed to divine intervention) and at this point, that's what it would really take for reconciliation.
Discovering why things were the way they were and why I allowed things to continue on the way I did was a big key to getting some peace in my heart. And this is what I realized...For most of my life I didn't love me, nor respect myself so how could anyone else? Today...things are different. Today I've realized I have an amazing life, amazing family, amazing friends and hey, I'm well loved and not too shabby - just the way I am. This past year has been a tough one but I feel like I've really taken the time to work through my stuff and deal with it all. No more pushing it away, no more pretending everything is ok, no more hating myself, no more hating what I look like and my personality.
I may be a little more open about my life than some are but I really feel like maybe I can help someone else and encourage them to push through the tough stuff, because, just like me, you are worth it. I am senstive, yes, but that makes me me. I wear my heart on my sleve, yes, but that makes me me. Sometimes I talk to much, sometimes I am over the top...but you know what I've realized that is kind of cool - some may view these as 'imperfections' but mostly, these are the things people actually appreciate about me - I have a new found appreciation for these things even which is really cool. A friend told me recently that she used to 'beat herself up' over a certain personality trait but God started letting her see things in a different light - that he was going to use even the things that she thought were imperfections for good. It really impacted me and helped me to start seeing the things that I didn't like about me and how they could be used for good. Does this mean that all my quirks are fabulous, probably not, but most of them are...just joking :) but no, seriously, this helped me not be so hard on myself which is what I needed...
I realize that most of this post isn't about my weightloss goals but what's on the inside is just as important, if not more important than what's on the outside - this is also something I've really grasped. If everything on the inside is a disaster, it doesnt matter what the outside looks like.
One day I will find someone who will love me for me - for real and will fight to keep me and not go looking in other places. We will compliment each other and build each other up. I realize I wasn't perfect in my relationship but I tried my very best, gave it my all and I've done everything I can to make sure I'm a better partner when that day comes again. I am not perfect but I'm trying to always better myself and be healthy in all areas of my life so that I enjoy it to the fullest and can contribute immensly to those who are in my life. This year will be a year of preperation for my future. This year will consist of fresh starts in a lot of ways. The plans for 2013 are big - continue at my weightloss goals and get stronger emotionally, physcially spiritually mentally; moving to the city in a couple months, re-learn the flute, and learn to step outside my comfort zone in a lot of areas.
Today I am happy, @ peace, strong, confident, beautiful, and more determined than ever to make sure everyday I'm here on earth I live with purpose and try and make a difference. There are sad days, but those are few and far between and to all those who have been so amazing to me not only this past year but for many years. Thank you for not giving up on me and helping me fight to get me back! Thanks to those who read my blog and are interested in knowing how I'm doing and encouraging me along the way.
This girl is still on her way...but I'm confident my future is spectaularly bright!
"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion..."
~ Philippians 1:6
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11
If you are curious on my weightloss progress - I have actually gained 2 pounds but my clothes are fittting different...I've added some new weight exercises to my routine and have been doing tonnes of burpies...I really detest them but am finding they are getting easier. Based on how my abs feel...I should be skinny already...but alas, they are just getting some well over due attention and are just getting some TLC, well not really, they are being whipped into shape, there is nothing tender about that...lol. I get lots of ideas from this girl who is friggin awesome!!! Look her up on facebook: Lisa-Marie BodyRock.Tv Host. She posts videos daily on facebook (and her website). If you are brave, try her 'Sweet Nothing' core workout - it's 18 minutes of a total killer core workout: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCQEdEvgu-A&feature=youtu.be
(I thought I was going to die...but I did the whole thing!!)
I've also increased my veggie and fruit intake by incorporating some in my shakes - the first one wasn't a success but as I tweak it it's getting better - I've realized the Cayenne pepper and fresh ginger in my shake is not tasty - it's actually really nasty!
Peace out till the next time!
Sarah
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