Well it’s certainly been a long time since my last blog
(7 months) and life has been pretty eventful and interesting. I find myself in a heightened state of contemplation these days and am waiting with expectation for my bright future ahead. I chuckle as I write that because it’s been a tough road to get here and yet my outlook has remained quite positive and reflective and very conscious of how far I've come, yet knowing that I still have a ways to go. I’m humbled by the love and grace those in my life have shown me – both old friend and new friends. I have so much to be grateful for and my outlook on life has completely changed with the filter of gratitude upon me.
Just a couple of weeks after my last blog post in September, 1 big change shifted a lot of things in my life and looking back it’s fun to reflect how much that 1 change has affected every area of my life…I had to move out of my Toronto apartment due to a bad case of mold that was making me really sick. My dr put me on puffers and told me I know had asthma. Within a couple weeks out of the apartment, my ‘asthma’ disappeared. It was a quick move – I discovered the problem and within 48 hours I had a moving truck and had my parents and a friend from work help me pack up all my belongings after work on a Tuesday and moved back to Brooklin with my mom. It was a miracle #1 that I got everything out in 1 evening and another miracle that I got everything unloaded in the same night (with the help of 1 friend – thank God for such great people in my life).
The night I moved back something really interesting happened…I was headed back to Toronto to drop off the UHaul and pick up my car. The 401 was closed at the entrance I usually get on so I had to take a detour and go to the next entrance on and I just happened to see this unmistakable big white WINGS Maternity Home van. What’s that you ask? It’s a maternity home in Ajax where this amazing woman (a single mother herself) takes in pregnant and homeless young woman who have chosen life. The girls live in her home while they are pregnant and usually until the baby is at least 6 months (and sometimes longer). These girls are given more than just food and shelter – they are taught skills to be great moms, contributing members of society, helping them break their cycle, heal from their pasts and now they can even complete their high school education at the homeschool right in the house. Well I had been around WINGS quite a bit the last year and moving to Toronto made it difficult to be at the home as much as I used to be. Well, I flagged Marion down (the amazing woman who runs WINGS) and she asked what was going on – I told her and she said to follow her to her place and that she’d come with me for the ride – it was 11pm! This was the start of something great and I knew it was God….I’m reminded of Psalm 37:23 “The steps of a good man {or woman} are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way”
Well at the end of that week I was already booked to go on vacation to Cuba with one of my besties, her husband and 1 of her sons. This was a well needed vacation to rest and get better. It was a great time away!
Upon my return I got my life organized now that I was back home. The original plan was that I would live in the basement but mom had a great idea to move upstairs – and I didn't realize how important that actually was. I had lived in a basement apartment since my parents split so it had been about 7 years since I lived above ground. Seeing daylight through my beautiful new window felt like such a gift. In getting organized, it meant washing every piece of clothing I owned because as I started to fold and hang everything my throat and chest started to act up and I realized it was because EVERYTHING smelt like mold. If you know me and my closet, you know I have a lot of clothes – I probably had 20 loads of laundry or more to do – it was a lot of work and sure taught me patience.
At Christmas time I redid my room to be like my personal oasis – sand coloured walls with 1 coral accent wall – decorated with scripture, quotes and my fav flowers, hibiscus flowers.
Now that I was organized and all set up, I dove in to helping out at WINGS – thinking, brainstorming and putting some plans together to use my skills to help and now help with administrative and online fundraising – which is what I do for work. So it was really cool to use my natural skills to help an organization that was close to my heart. I’ve been able to make some great friendships as a result of my time there and I’m also able to help the girls some support when it comes to healing from the past – given my journey the last couple years, it’s really neat to be able to use my pain and lessons learned to help other girls. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity!
Here are some other exciting things that have happened.
I got a new tattoo – one that means quite a bit. Proverbs 31:25. My heart’s desire is to be a woman described in Proverbs 31 and I feel like my journey is helping me get there. This is my declaration, this is what I wear proudly and it reminds me of the woman I want to be as I walk forth into the future. My ex-husband would tell me that I would never be a Proverbs 31 woman and criticized me so heavily and I believed all his lies for too long. But, he was wrong. I’m so thankful for God’s love and his redemption
Went on my first wine tour with a group of my girlfriends to celebrate our 30th birthdays, some of them even learned to like wine – it was such a great weekend! And the day before we left, one of my girls got engaged!
We had our first ever open house at WINGS which was a great success! We had about 300 people through the home which was really exciting. We had a bake sale and sold some calendars and note cards of the babies. We had a new baby born around the time of the open house as well – beautiful baby Destiny 
December 15th, I celebrated my 30th Birthday. My mom, sister and Marion held a surprise birthday party for me at WINGS. It was such an amazing surprise and day and I was so blessed by the entire thing! My sister made me a really cool slide show too of my life – it was so sweet
Christmas with the fam as well – which was great and we spent Christmas day at WINGS which was so special. It was really cool to see how excited Deacon was! He was hilarious on Christmas day too!
During the Christmas holidays I worked at renovating the WINGS website – which was so exciting! The company I work for gifted WINGS access to the system which we were so thankful for. So I was able to build the donation forms and fundraising events to go up on the website too. Check it out – www.wingsmaternityhome.com Check out our latest newsletter too if your interested in hearing some of the exciting things that have happened the last several months- http://www.wingsmaternityhome.com/winter-2014-newsletter.html
Something else really exciting happened…
Right before I moved out of Toronto my wonderful mom told me I needed to start dreaming again….so I did. I started dreaming big. I listed some things I didn't think would happen but were on my heart. One of the things that I thought was a pipe dream actually happened, twice. It’s not really that major but it is cool to see that how even my dreams that I think are impossible, really aren't impossible with HIM.
I was one of several models at a plus size store in Toronto (Your Big Sisters Closet) who was in the display window at the boutique as part of an art installation. I held up signs along with other women expressing my relationship with my body - Signs like - “I have a beautiful body”. There is so much pressure on women - and men too - to look a certain way, have a certain look and really when it comes down to it – the number on the scale doesn't matter. Loving yourself comes first. This has been a major part of my journey the last couple years and I’m still a work in process in accepting all of me – regardless on that number on the scale. That day I was asked by one of the women there to audition for the upcoming Fuller Women expo in Toronto this summer.
I also went with them as one of the models for a pitch for the dragons den which was exciting. Who knows what will happen with this but it was fun just to have a taste of this dream I never imagined possible. I've also met some wonderful women through this experience and I'm so thankful for that as well!!
Out with the Old, In With the new…had to give this one a title…
Earlier this year a friend of mine asked me if there was an issue with my mustang. I told her, yeah, I didn't really want it. It was the car that my ex wanted and although I loved driving it, I didn't want to hold onto any more of my past and it was really expensive commuting with a mustang. So she told me, well I’ll pray it gone. I was like OK, sure, but someone is basically going to have to come up to me and ask me if they could buy my car cause I've tried to sell it 5 times (no lie). At first I started looking for a new car, what kind of car did I want, how much could I trade mine in for and after a few days of feeling stressed about it, I really felt like it was time to just leave it in God’s hands and not look. I waited a couple months and on March 17th ( a significant date for me) I got home from group at WINGS and there was a letter. A letter from Ford, saying basically….we are looking to beef up our used car lot and we’re looking for 2008’s and we’re specifically looking for mustangs and your service record indicate your care is an ideal candidate and we’ll throw in some extras for you, you just need to buy a new 2013/2014 car that is on our lot. I actually laughed out loud, like seriously, did this just happen.
So, the next day I went online to see what cars they had and I found they had 1 black 2013 Ford fusion. It was good on gas, it was kind of sexy looking and it had a Bluetooth phone (perfect timing as that day was the first day the fines increased for texting and driving). And, what’s even funnier….I looked at a black ford fusion when I was buying the mustang – it was between those 2 cars. I did some online comparisons with other cars to determine if it was fuel efficient enough. It was. I called and booked an appointment to go that night to see if I could make the trade. Well, after some negotiation and playing some hard ball, the papers were signed and arrangements were made for me to go pick the car up on Thursday night. Now, here’s where it gets better. Because of how much I’ll be saving on gas and fixing the car, it’s actually not really costing me much more. God is good….and learning to trust Him to guide and provide is so exciting.
Its been a busy few months with work and WINGS and new friendships and just enjoying life. I just got back from a trip to Cuba which was fun (yes, Cuba for the 7th time lol…what can I say, I love it there?)
Now, not many people give an account for the things that happen in a 7 month time period, but these events, and so many more have been so significant for so many reasons.
Here’s why:
A friend posted something yesterday that basically said - we are so used to telling people about our painful pasts, and instead we should focus on the positive things that are happening in our lives - my past is just a story at this point which has brought me to where I am at and made me who I am. I will not live in the past any more and I will enjoy all that this time in my life has to offer and enjoy the journey.
I've learned and grown so much. God has taught me so much….he’s taught me to trust Him, to lean on Him to provide, guide and take care of me. Nothing that happens in life is wasted, not even the hard stuff. He uses all things, even things I never imagined to be useful. There were some really tough days, days where I couldn't do much more than cry but, I’m still here. I’m still standing and I’m actually much stronger than I was or ever thought I would be. Sometimes all we need to do is just say yes to God and show up and he takes care of the rest.
I am amazed by the people he’s brought into my life in the last year and I’m so thankful for new friends and old friends and for my family. I am blessed beyond measure. So much more has happened than even this and I've been journalling it all along the way. I really felt God ask me back in November to start taking notes on what my days were like, the things that would happen, because things would start happening fast and I needed to be able to recall them. That time has turned into my quiet time with him, journalling my prayers and my heart’s desires and my heart’s cries. The last month or so I've not journalled as much, or at all really and am really feeling that I need to get back to it.
As I was writing this post I actually had a friend send me a message who was preparing for a workshop she was doing on hearing the voice of God - she asked me if I could share how I hear from Him and it was actually pretty interesting timing given my reflective head space. Here's what I realized....
I find that God usually speaks to me in a few different ways….but I’ll mention how I learned to hear the voice of God and know it was him
I've always questioned, do I hear from Him and about 2 years ago as I was getting through a difficult time I really asked God to teach me how to hear his voice….he picked a fun way to teach me. God started telling me while I was driving to turn here, go here, don’t go here, etc. I thought it was really strange but kind of cool because I love driving and I decided to be obedient as he led.
Learning to listen to his step by step directions has led me to discovering truth in so many ways. I continue to learn how to discern that He is speaking to me and when I remain in Him, regularly in His presence, it’s much easier to hear him and know that it is Him.
Often times I will get a random thought – or what I think is random and then God confirms that it is him either with a dream, a scripture he brings to light (during my quiet time or by a friend or in church). I usually sit with a word for a little bit, especially when it comes to direction for the future and I leave it in His hands to guide the complete the work. Most recently God has revealed some heavy things in dreams and they require me to pray through things however I kept putting the pressure on myself to figure it out when he wanted me to ‘Be Still’ just like Psalm 46:10 says. He’s really been teaching me to rest in Him, something I was never really ‘allowed’ to do growing up – being still and doing nothing. I find now that when I’m still and wait on Him until I have peace to move forward, whether it’s a decision that needs to be made, a step to be taken, etc. he makes the path ahead of me and then bam, things happen fast. In the past I would try and hustle to make things happen faster and in the last couple of weeks he’s reminded me of how He speaks to me and now I’m finally catching on – Listen for him….be still and wait on him….allow him to complete the work He has started. Not my will, but His will be done.
As I thought about this a little bit more I realized something pretty neat to....that my journey in hearing the voice of God has actually been something that He's used as part of my 'ministry' with WINGS (and with some others as well). A couple of the girls in the home have asked me the question, how do I hear God's voice - how do I know it's Him? and I'm able to share how He's taught me which is the coolest part - the things God teaches us are usually not just for us - but to pass it on to....so here I am passing my life lessons onto you too...
Here are some major things I've learned and really embraced:
I am not defined by my past pain.
I am not going to be a good, Godly woman, I am a good, Godly woman.
I am loved, not for what I do for others, but for who I am and I love me – this outlook has changed everything in my life.
I've learned that what is on the outside isn't what counts. I have curves, I dress my curves. I've had a challenge with loosing my weight and have actually gained some weight because of some major issues with my back from the accident – every time I work out I seem to injure myself (ribs popping out of place, my lower back going out, constant pain, etc.). Most recently I put my back out and was put on 6 weeks rest because of it. But, I’m not depressed from gaining the weight. I’m uncomfortable, yes, in pain everyday , yes, but, I’m happy and I’m not defined by my outside package.
I am close to the end of the process for going through with gastric bypass – surgery will likely take place this summer. Some might not be as open about this as I am but it’s going to be evident one day that something changed and I’m not going to be ashamed of it. I have worked so hard to deal with my weight for years. Since my accident it’s changed so much and I just cannot do what I used to do and my dr has told me that because my hormones are so out of whack because of the pain I’m in, my body actually fights me when it comes to loosing and keeping the weight off which is why I stropped loosing weight. This surgery is not an easy pass, it will be hard work and I’m thankful I've learned how to eat well and balanced as I will need these skills the rest of my life, post surgery. There are risks associated, I am well researched, but I feel this is the route I am to take and my doctors believe it will significantly help with my pain, and hopefully take the pain away when the weight is gone.
I suppose I will sign off for now, and hope to not take so long for a post the next time.
Keep fighting the good fight my friends – the fight for walking out your full potential, regardless of your past. You have no limits on what you can achieve.
Sarah :)
What a beautiful tribute to Gods goodness & grace!! I love it. Wow girl it's been a crazy ride this past year. ♡
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